


perhaps it is enough

by Lyril



Series: Jūbun [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Female Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Patch 5.3: Reflections in Crystal Spoilers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unnamed Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26817763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyril/pseuds/Lyril
Summary: Long after the events of 5.3, Hades couldn't have ask more in life than what he had now with the WoL. Everything was perfect and he was happy, up to that very day when he found he was still shackled by the events of the past that rendered him incapable of telling her how much he loved her. And every time he failed to do so, he could only, desperately wish his actions were enough.He prayed it was enough.
Relationships: Solus zos Galvus | Emet-Selch/Warrior of Light
Series: Jūbun [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021432
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	perhaps it is enough

Hades was never aware of a certain...issue he had when it came to saying three simple words that even broken, pathetic beings such as the mortals had no problem saying. An issue that was not present before with anyone else, words flowing easily in whichever way he deemed fit.

Not till he met her.

The Warrior of Light.

Azem's incarnation.

It caught him by surprise. Confusion thick in his mind, thoughts whirling in an attempt to make sense of such ridiculousness. And when he tried again, it was akin to being cast a silence spell, words always, always at the tip of his tongue. But tried as he might, they never left him, never made known to anyone except him.

It was infuriating.

It was frustrating.

It was heartbreaking...having later found out after much soul searching that it was linked to that event of twelve thousand years ago.

And while she never questioned why he had never say it, he continued to wage a war with himself over it. Because she deserved nothing less. She who had forgiven him for all the unforgivable atrocities done by his hands. She who had held him close as he wept, heart and mind breaking from another nightmare. She who had given him another chance to atone and directed him to remake Garlemald into a peaceful, prospering nation it had every potential to be, especially in his hands.

She whose smile was enough to chase every nightmares away, touch that could bend him to her every whim, laughter that could stun him and leave him breathless.

She...his love...his life.

She deserved to know. She deserved everything and more.

And Hades hated himself even more for his inability to do right by her.

* * *

"I love you."

Deep set of golden eyes stared back in equal frustration with lips drawn downward into an ugly frown.

"I love you." Hades tried again, feeling the ease at which the words rolled across his tongue, his voice lent sound to the words that had always been present in his mind.

Easy. Effortless. And yet...

He sighed wearily, looking away from the mirror and finished putting his gloves on. He heard the door to the chambers opened and he did not need to turn to know who it was. The soft padding of feet across marbled floor and the subtle scent of lavender filled the air.

Years may have passed but he did not think his heart would ever stop beating a beat faster in her presence.

He turned to smile lovingly at his wife, taking a moment to appreciate how beautiful she looked in her light blue gown. The once renown but retired Warrior of Light smiled back in equal adoration, the hue of her soul brightened even more in response. "You're going to be late for the parade held in your honor, Your Radiance."

He chuckled at her mockery, as was her wont ever since the day he retook Garlemald and reinstated himself as Her eternal emperor. He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her small frame.

"I see the handmaids had done wonders on you, my dear." He said as he leaned down to place a soft kiss on her lips, lingering there for a moment longer just to feel her warmth, her skin against his own. When they parted, he felt a ghost of a whisper on his lips, a declaration of love spoken out like a prayer.

And when he stared into those beautiful depths, full of love and adoration for him and him alone, his heart swelled to the brim and the words came effortlessly to the tip of his tongue. He parted his lips, and took a breath in.

But it never came. Like the million times before it, the words remained at the tip of his tongue, held captive by the shackles of the past that had no right holding him back even now.

"You look beautiful." He settled instead, stroking the back of his fingers down her smooth cheek in reverence, praying once again that his action spoke for itself instead.

And like always, she did not show any signs of noticing his struggle. And if she did, she made no mention of it. Instead, she broke out of his arms to twirl once before curtsying before him, a playful smile on her face. He chuckled and played along, twirling his hand dramatically before him as he bowed to the waist in return.

Perhaps it had been enough.

But she deserved so much more.

* * *

There were a great many times where Hades had thought his emotions would win over something petty like a trauma that had happened over eons ago. Emotions so strong they overwhelmed him, filled his entire being and soul with it until there was nothing in him, absolutely nothing at all except the feeling of love for her.

He encountered it every time he had make love to her, their body coming down from their high, her flushed face smiling up at him in contentment and love as he tenderly brushed her sweat-slicked hair aside.

He encountered it when he took her away from the confines of Garlemald for a much needed break. Places in Eorzea that she had dearly missed and not seen in many years. She led him to her 'secret spot', steps skipping with excitement as they weaved across tree roots and foliage to get to the clearing beyond. They walked to edge of the cliff overlooking the ocean and she turned back to him with a smile so bright, her soul so blue it put the clear blue sky and the bright sun above them in utter shame. His breath had caught, then and chest heavy with pure, unadulterated love.

He encountered it at the birth of their son, her tired eyes spoke of triumph as they locked into his with pure happiness, her soul shining ever so resplendently in glory. He took a moment to gaze in awe at the small bundle that slept contentedly in her steady arms before reaching out to brush gentle fingers across the babe's downy white hair. His eyes inadvertently returned to her, to her addictive joy and wide smiles. With a heart filled with overwhelming emotions, he had lean forward to place a tender kiss on her damp forehead.

He encountered it a great many uncountable times, from before after and all in between. Again and again...over and across a million and one small moments where he found himself helplessly falling for her over and again.

And yet still.

* * *

It did not use to be that way. There was a time, long ago, where saying it out loud to her was as easy as breathing. True, it did take a hit on his ego but for her, to see her smile and that beautiful soul light up so resplendently was all worth it.

That was, until the sundering happened.

Azem had always been fearless. And her selflessness knew no limit when it came to the life of others; Amaurotian or otherwise. Her proficiency in healing magic only served to push her even further in her quest to save everyone to an almost obsessive degree.

Hades was not surprised to find her running herself rugged, aether almost depleted from the intense healing she had done on every injured person she came across. He should not be surprised to find her working just as obsessively, perhaps even more so, when in the bid to save her from a falling debris, he had pushed her aside to receive the death blow meant for her.

He really should not be surprised and yet...he wished she hadn't.

If she hadn’t, their life force, their very soul would not intertwine the way it did in her bid to save him. If they hadn’t, the beam of light would not see them as a single soul. If they hadn’t, he would at least know true peace by dying alongside her instead of watching in horror as she took advantage of his weakened state to flung herself over him and took the hit, her soul untangling at the last second.

He would not be feeling at a soul deep level the way hers, the soul he knew as intimately as his own, got sundered into pieces. He would not have to see her last smile and heard her final "I love you." against his lips before her body and soul shattered into ten and fourteen pieces, his incomplete "I -" lost to the ashes.

It haunted him for centuries after. It continued to haunt him till this day.

He did not think he would ever recover from it.

He wished he had.

* * *

Hades had tried sharing that story to her once when their son had finally exhausted himself and was sleeping peacefully in the chambers next to theirs. The long exhaustive day found them contented to do naught but cuddle in bed. And as was their usual routine during such nights, he would share stories from his many experiences, stories he knew she would thoroughly enjoy.

That night, he told her of Amaurot, burning and his desperation to find Azem amidst all that chaos. Azem whom had returned to the city to save their people. Azem, whom despite resignation, had continued to work for their protection.

Selfless Azem.

Courageous Azem.

His Azem.

He did not realize he had deviated from the Final Days to talking about Azem and everything beautiful and amazing about her. He kept talking, completely absorbed in his memories until he realized with a start that she had stopped responding and had grown quiet.

When inquired after her wellbeing, she laughed and merely told him she was just as absorbed in his tales as he was.

He knew that was a lie.

He no longer made any attempt in mentioning Azem or the Final Days after.

* * *

After that unfortunate slip of the tongue, he had expected her to finally raise the question. He waited in anticipation, planned in his head every hour of every day the myriad of responses and assurance he could give to somehow convince her that yes, he loved her and no, she was not just some distraction. Yes, he did love Azem and no, he was not seeing a shade of Azem in her when he looked at her.

He waited and waited.

But it never came.

She continued to act the same way she always did, smiling that adoring, joyful smile at him, laughed at his theatrics and rolled her eyes at his snarks.

It went on for weeks and a crippling sense of doubt slowly crawled into his heart, wrapping around it like a vice and sending him ugly thoughts that he quickly stomped down before it ruined everything.

But at times, when his guard was down, it would reared its ugly head and whispered its poisonous words into his mind.

What if she had another lover?

What if she never loved him?

What if she was intending to leave him after all?

What if what if what if-

Such thoughts bred fear and paranoia and those bled into his dreams, adding more nightmares into his already impressive repertoire, waking him in the middle of the night more often than he would have like.

One such nightmare woke him with his heart pounding painfully against his chest. His arm immediately went to her, seeking her warmth and comfort but was met with the coldness of sheets. An empty space. Not unusual, especially after the birth of their son but with the vestiges of the nightmare at the forefront of his mind, he sat up immediately, eyes searching through the darkness with a debilitating sense of panic.

He sprung to his feet and immediately head to the adjourning room, praying she was there. His feet froze at the entrance to the nursery, eyes wide for a moment before softening as his entire body sagged in relief.

She sat with her back to him, shoulders hunched and usually well-kept hair a mess. Their infant son continued to sleep uninterrupted in his cradle but that was not what froze his heart and kept him rooted at the doorway.

Soft, almost inaudible sobs came intermittently from her as her body shook in an effort to stifle it all in. That very sight of her brought a deep ache in him and he took a few steps forward, his leg accidentally hitting the nearby closet. The sound jolted her to his presence and she whipped her head around, eyes shining brightly in tears. Eyes that reflected the selfsame doubt he had been harboring within his heart, and deep sorrow at having accepted it.

How many nights had she spent crying alone in here, bearing all her doubts and insecurities on her own? How long had she hidden her sorrow from him, from everyone else? How long more before she broke?

And to think he had doubts about _her_! When it was him and his insensitivity that had pushed her to this state, his disability doing nothing to assure her otherwise!

He was a failure of a husband. An utter failure.

He closed the gap between them and pulled her towards him, crushing her in his embrace. All those words he had prepared in his mind, explanations and assurances both, got lost to the night. Instead, he said nothing in favor of sealing kisses and silent promises into the crown of her head, tears streaming down his cheeks to join hers as she sobbed freely into his chest.

* * *

After that night, Hades was adamant in finding other ways to tell her of his feelings. If he could not do it himself, if his nonverbal acts of adoration and love were not enough, he would have others send the message to her. Sometimes with words of mouth, others by small gifts that would make her heart melt. And at times where he was feeling particularly romantic, sonnets and poems he himself had written that would make even the most hardened of soul blush.

A single offering every day without fail.

When their son reached the age of 4, Hades had loved using him as his personal messenger.

And their dear son was every bit as his mother was. Selfless and ever willing to help in the most mundane of task. Of course the boy would agree. Enthusiastically so, in fact.

Other servants may suffice but to see the look on his boy's face, like he had done something monumental, was in itself its own joy.

And to add, his wife had reacted positively to it. Her smiles wide, her face a faint red as she thanked the messenger - in their son's case, a peck on the cheek - and her bright, joyful eyes always knew where to find him in the shadows.

For once, perhaps there was hope after all.

For once, perhaps she did not truly need to hear him say it to know he meant them wholeheartedly.

Perhaps it was enough...for real, this time.

* * *

But it did not matter.

Hades gritted his teeth and glared at the gathered medicus. All of them, renown and the best Garlemald had to offer. All of them - pathetic, useless, worthless - !

Like him...

Anger coiled hotly within and he reached for the nearest object- a historical sword he had used in his conquest days - and flung it across him. Screams and shouts resounded in the hallway as everyone in the sword's trajectory scrambled away in panic. One was unlucky and got cut across the arm.

But he could not care less.

He raised a shaky arm and gripped a handful of hair as he took an unsteady step back. His world was crumbling down around him and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Nothing at all. No one, absolutely no one could save -

An idea, desperate and manic, came to him and without a word, he stumbled forth, summoning a void portal that would take him immediately to Gridania.

Kan-E-Senna had not readily agreed, tied as she was to the Greatwood and sprouting nonsense about the natural order of life. Hades almost screamed at her, telling her off about her hypocritical shite.

But he was there to seek help from the conjurers and doing so was counterproductive. So he held his tongue and did something he had never expected himself capable of doing.

Hades bowed low and pleaded.

Beg.

"Please."

The Padjal wavered before his display of sincerity and after a few seconds of tensed silence, agreed. That feeling of relief, of hope, was as fleeting as the life of mortals.

He should have known.

He had always known.

But he still refused to give up, refused to give in, refused to believe what his superior sight had been telling him before the medicus and now, Kan-E-Senna did.

Because if he did, what was left for him? If he did, wouldn't that be the same as returning to who he was?

He refused to. For her sake, for their son's sake, he refused to.

And yet, the reality of it all was cruel. Too cruel.

She was dying and there was no cause or injury to heal. She simply was.

Exhaustion, they had said. Overexertion from her days as the Warrior of Light had pushed her beyond mortal means and now she was paying for it. Dearly.

And there was no stopping it.

Kan-E-Senna had left with sorrow in her eyes and kind words for him. But they fell on deaf ears. No longer was he overcome with strong emotions and all there was inside was a depthless sense of hollowness.

He sat on the floor with his back leaning heavily against the wall, eyes staring lifelessly at her sleeping form, watching the dulled hue of her soul swirled slowly inside.

Soon, even that would be gone.

Word got out and the world was in chaos. His people demanding to know of what had become of their beloved Empress. World leaders demanding an audience to inquire about the realm's savior. His advisers demanding his presence at court. His paperwork mounting sky-high. His son, their son of only 10 years, cried every night and in desperate need of his assurance.

But he could not bring himself to care.

Why should he when she would no longer be in it.

* * *

The sun was warm against his skin and he tightened his hold on her when she stumbled a little, breath coming out in a harsh pant.

"Here, allow me to - "

"No." She rasped out; voice as weak as the tremendous effort her body took to walk that last few steps.

Hades exhaled sharply in restrained frustration but respected her decision nonetheless. He continued to keep a steady hold on her, watching her sunken face breaking out into a sweat as she focused fully on putting one leg in front of her at a time.

It broke his heart.

He knew this day would come. He had always been aware of the clock ticking at the back of his head, a constant reminder of the days before he would lose her forever.

He just had not expected it to be this soon.

He pushed down the urge to cry and refocused entirely on her, casting a subtle wind to help with her movement.

When she was still the Warrior of Light, something like that would not escape her notice.

She did not notice now.

Hades forced his gaze towards the thick trees surrounding them. "These are good trees to nap in, I'm sure. The weather is not overbearing and the branches provide ample space to lay on. Perfect, wouldn't you say?"

He heard her chuckled and even that small reaction was enough to make him smile and lightened his heart, even a little. But that good feeling crumbled when she stumbled once more, this time twisting her ankle in the process. She cringed in pain and with a growl, Hades swept her off her feet and carried her the last few yalms towards the clearing beyond.

She did not protest and that irked him all the more.

He lay them down on the meadow of flowers overlooking the ocean. The breeze did nothing to cool his anger and frustration churned within him at himself for his inability to prevent this, to stop her from weakening, to keep her alive.

He hadn't noticed his hands were shaking until he felt her weak grip on his, the gentle curl of her fingers prompting him to look up from her swollen ankle and into her glazed eyes that once shone so bright.

"It's ok, Hades." She smiled weakly. Even dying, she was trying to comfort him.

And all he ever did in return was to worry her, to make her feel inadequate, feel unloved. He clenched his jaw and did a quick snap of his fingers, healing and returning her injured foot to its original state.

But it failed to return her to how she once was, healthy and whole.

He tried. Oh how desperately he had tried.

His own failures crushed him.

Gently, carefully, he maneuvered her to lay comfortably across his lap, her head resting heavily on his chest with eyes closed. He ran his fingers comfortingly through her soft, silken hair. The tightening of his chest loosening slightly when she noticeably relaxed, a soft exhale escaping through her nose.

Comfortable silence embraced them and the fragrance of flowers and sea salt calmed her even more than all the comfort afforded to her by the riches of being the Empress. It was the place she loved the most. This small, secluded place in Limsa that she had stumbled upon during her days as an adventurer, before the Scions found her and recruited her. 

This small sanctuary. The one place where she had smiled the brightest, her soul had shone the loveliest of hue.

A place she only ever shared with him and later, with their son.

It was a fitting place for her to lay her head down and rest.

The only thing he could do for her.

Just this one thing.

He wished he could do more.

"Hades?" She called out in a whisper, as if sensing his mood taking another nosedive down to despair.

As if he had not already been drowning in it, from the very moment she had collapsed so suddenly in the royal library.

"Hmm?" He blinked down at her and was surprised to find her eyes on his with a moment of clarity. She lifted a shaky hand and touched trembling fingertips on his cheek.

"Don't cry." She said, eyes softening to one of sadness and he blinked in surprise.

Hades removed his hand from the warmth of her head to rub the back of his hand across his cheek, right where her fingers had been. He was surprised by the wetness found there and promptly sunk deeper into the pit of his emotions.

"It'll be ok." She continued, giving him an assuring smile that tore his heart even more. He held her tighter against him, head bowed and throat clenching. Tears were beginning to blur his vision of her and he furiously blinked them away.

But it would not stop. The tears would not stop flowing and he hated that even his own body was punishing him, preventing him from beholding her for the last time.

"I love you, Hades." She said, her smile gentle and he broke out a sob.

"I-" The words still would not come and he broke down even harder.

Why? Why even till now? She deserved more than this! She deserved to know!

Her hand was on his cheek once more and he watched the way her eyes seemed to slowly loose its light but her smile was brimming with love and her soul had brightened radiantly once more in the bluest of blue he had ever seen. "I know."

The light, then left her eyes, and her hand fell back to her side, lifeless. He watched in despair and unbearable grief as the soul he loved deeply left her body to join the others in the Lifesteram.

"I love you." He sobbed out, burying his face into her neck as he wept. He pulled her cooling body towards him closer in a crushing hug. "I love you."

It was enough in the end but it no longer mattered.

Absolutely nothing mattered anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read! This was actually my very first fic and I'm a bundle of nerves posting this. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy torturing myself in writing out what was initially an idea sprung during long traffic.


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